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Complaints of an Exhausted Soul
Nov. 10th, 2009
11:21 pm
It's been a rough couple of days, especially with work. But I think hopefully things will work out even though I just started a six day in a row run and after a couple of days off, I will have a seven day in row run of work. Woo-hoo!!!
When I got home from work tonight, Nathan took one look at me and knew something was up, even though I tried to play it off as just being tired. I should know better. I can't hide things from him.
When I told him, I got the "don't cast your pearls before swine" lecture. Again. Now, I know he's right, but that doesn't mean I like to hear the talk anymore. He's telling me I'm wasting my time and my energy on people who don't care about me while at the same time, ignoring the people right in front of me who love me. I keep trying to get this one person at work to like me and everytime I get somewhere, I feel like she slaps me back about two steps. I think she has a problem showing affection to adults who aren't family. Maybe affection isn't the right word, but she seems a little cold and distant (again, maybe not the right expression) to adults who aren't her children. She's nice and friendly in her own way, but there's this borderline between her and everyone else. Unless you have kids. Babies bring out the best in everyone.
Perhaps this is the point in the story I should say that this woman is my father's age. Maybe that has something to do with it. My therapist would have a bleedin' fit with this. Maybe it's a mother thing. Maybe I'm trying too hard for something I'm not going to get. Maybe I should quit trying. But maybe it shouldn't hurt so much. It reminds me of having some sort of romantic feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same. That's not what it is, but it has that same intensely painful feel to it.
I don't know.
Nov. 1st, 2009
11:41 pm
I'm gonna keep this short because I'm tired. It's been brewing inside, but I think the people this is intended for no longer care.
To put it bluntly, I've screwed up and really only now realized how badly I did. Nathan and I were talking about college the other night and, bless him, he went on and on about all the friends he had and how much they still keep in touch and visit each other as often as they can. It took everything I had to stop myself from bursting into tears and running out of the room. He wouldn't have understood at all because the person I am now is definitely not the person I was five or ten years ago.
Thing is, I was not in a good place emotionally the entire time I was in college, which is really an understatement, and no matter how much or how hard I tried I couldn't get out. That led me to do things I'm not proud of at all. My main priority was to keep myself together enough to pass classes and graduate because that was what was expected of me. If that meant using people, I used them. If that meant lying to keep myself together, I lied. I hoped no one would find out or be hurt. I was naive enough then to think that if I apologized and said I didn't mean to do it, that I was hurting myself, then people would understand. But I had a person tell me that even though I didn't mean what I had said or did, other people had feelings, too. Which, of course, I knew. But that wasn't my main focus. My main focus was me.
That was dumb and wrong and incredibly selfish. I knew that somewhere in the back of my good, rational, kind mind. But I ignored it for what I thought was the greater good. That has meant that all the friends I had once, I really no longer have. There might be a couple here and there, but I screwed up my entire college experience and made several others' unpleasant.
For me to say I'm sorry and penitent is nowhere nearly enough, but it's all I really have to offer. I guess I have burned my bridges by playing with matches I never wanted in my hands at all.
If anyone wants to talk, I'm here. Call me at 662-882-9712 or email me at phdork@gmail.com
Feb. 2nd, 2009
01:29 pm
So, as I wait for my new loan to come through, I ponder.
I'm descended from English nobility, and I think I'm related to three royal houses, but I'm still a boring nobody. M would disagree, but then I have to drop a depressing bomb on him when he gets home from work tonight. Plus, what does he know?
But M's a very special man who's tolerated more shit from me than anyone should ever have to.
Sep. 8th, 2008
07:03 am
Why do I keep getting screwed?
At least I found out who my real friends are, though. And it isn't who I expected.
Aug. 13th, 2008
09:33 am
I haven't got time to be holding anyone's hand right now. I have to hold my own just to make it through the day.
Aug. 11th, 2008
09:59 am
I feel as though I should update, though I don't know quite what to say. I'm not much of one to discuss work, though Wal-Mart does seem to be on the highway to hell with all their "Just Like Target" new rules. Uniform, no overhead noise (fitting room pages don't count -- just no music to drown anything out), new backroom system that they don't want to teach anyone (just don't leave that cart there, even if you don't know how to put it up, do it anyway), and opening up all the action alleys for more "customer space." Please, if a customer could take the space any one of us were occupying and get away with it, they would. So why do they need more space? Grrrr....It just seems so pointless sometimes, especially just coming off the initial back-to-school rush. That was enough to make anyone crazy.
I'm going through a really crappy time in my life where old demons have come back to haunt me. I've decided that I'm going to do something about it, even though it scares me to death. I've had my demons, sometimes I think more than my share, but I can't handle it anymore. I've come face-to-face with things that I haven't dealt with since they happened and then there's some I haven't dealt with at all.
So I need to know that there are people out there willing to keep me in their thoughts and in their prayers if they pray. I guess I'm saying that, though I don't deserve it, I need to know that I'm not alone.
I love you guys.
Jul. 17th, 2008
01:49 pm
HALLELUJAH!!!!
After back breaking moving, I am out of my mother's house. It's not without its disadvantages because there is currently three other people in the house (two of them teenagers). But it's my new little piece of heaven.
Jul. 15th, 2008
03:15 am
I'm moving tomorrow!!! I packed most of my things on Monday and will finish later this morning and clean a bit this afternoon. When I first told my mom I was moving out, she amazingly was all supportive. I knew it wouldn't last. When we finalized my exit strategy, I was told that the bed I was going to be allowed to have did not have an accompanying mattress. What the hell? I know sometimes they aren't sold that way, but you'd think that when you get rid of a bed you don't need, you also get rid of said mattress. I guess I'm just naive, but I really thought I'd be getting all I needed in the bedroom department. (No one make a bad joke, please.) They already were not going to let me take the bed I'm sleeping on now, so I was already in a bit of a pickle. Then they pulled this stunt.
I love my mom, but she's screwing me over. She's also very money-hungry. But she defied even that description when she turned down my offer to buy the bed I'm sleeping in now. She's so confusing right now. She already ripped me off for half of this month's expenses, so I figured she'd be after even more after her cash flow was soon to be cut off. I guess not.
So, after that, I was having a lot of trouble hiding my sheer glee at the thought of getting away from her. I tried to be sensitive at first, but I don't care anymore. What can she do to me now? I'm leaving.
I finally win one.
Jul. 12th, 2008
03:04 am - If anyone really cares....
For some reason I felt smacked me upside the head when I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself and being angry at people for reasons I shouldn't be angry. I found myself pissed off because I feel like no one trusts me or respects me enough to be upfront with their distrust. Which is somewhat legitimate, meaning I'd still like names for the comments made on facebook. And, no, I'm not doing the whole points deal because if you don't respect me enough, then 20 Honesty Box points isn't going to work either.
But what really smacked me and pissed me off was myself. How can I demand respect, trust, and all kinds of good qualities from my friends if I'm not willing to offer them up myself? The fact is, I can't. The saying, "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself" is very true.
So, here goes:
1. I do not love myself. No matter how confident my hip-holding facebook profile picture may look. I just do not feel that way about myself. Herein lies the problem for everything wrong in my life almost. I should love myself, if for no other reason than I have multitudes of people telling me how smart, interesting, funny, etc., I am. (Not singling out anyone's comments here, either.) But, fact remains, I don't. I also don't want pity for it, either. So somewhere between mushy concern and I don't give a fuck, understand that.
2. If number one is true, then I'm probably not a very good friend because I'm probably not really great at loving other people. Now, I care a whole hell of a lot about a hell of a lot of people. I'd do anything in the world for my friends, who are truly irreplaceable people. But I can't truly love someone until I trust them, until I fully respect them, and so on down the line.
I am not a very good friend. I am selfish. I lie, not on purpose or to hurt anyone, but still I tell untruths because I want to make myself more interesting to people than I actually am. (Guess which issues I'm addressing here, huh?) I crave attention while simultaneously shunning it if it doesn't fit into whatever beau ideal pattern which I created in my own selfish mind and that I am indulging in at the moment. I say I want honesty, but then I can't handle it when I hear it. (And believe me, the two facebook Honesty Box comments were more true than I wanted to admit) I demanded more, then shunned it when it was offered to me. When people tell me they love me, I tell them they don't or that they shouldn't. That's going to make people -- ooh, guess what's coming? -- STOP TELLING ME. So I think no one loves me and that I'm this incredible sack of shit that should die. It's my own damn problem. I have been the victim before, but I'm not in this situation, and I am going to stop being (and acting like) a victim and stop now. I have lost so many friends over the years that I'd give anything in the world to have back. I need to stop doing myself in, stop feeding the part of me that would give anything for the adoration of the crowd, and stop creating/feeding drama. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.
I can't do it alone. To all of you who are there, standing by me, helping me grow into a better person, I thank you. I know in my head that I'm well-loved, well-liked, and admired by many people. I don't need everyone to do so, but my heart apparently doesn't agree. I've fooled a lot of people along the way, including myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to love myself, but I have to know who Lacey is first. I'm finding out along the way from children, teenagers, young and old adults, clergy and laymen, that Lacey (the real one that escapes from my mental prison from time to time) is pretty alright at times and a bitch at others.
Now if there are any people out here willing to help, that would be great too. All the while I'm keeping in mind that I don't deserve any of that and that I don't deserve anything at all.
I'm a melancholy man, that's what I am,
All the world surrounds me, and my feet are on the ground.
I'm a very lonely man, doing what I can,
All the world astounds me and I think I understand
That we're going to keep growing, wait and see.
When all the stars are falling down
Into the sea and on the ground,
And angry voices carry on the wind,
A beam of light will fill your head
And you'll remember what's been said
By all the good men this world's ever known.
Another man is what you'll see,
Who looks like you and looks like me,
And yet somehow he will not feel the same,
His life caught up in misery, he doesn't think like you and me,
'Cause he can't see what you and I can see.
Jul. 10th, 2008
10:52 pm
I'm totally moving out from under my mother's thumb. I'm moving in with a couple of friends from church. It looks like it will be a little more expensive each month, but I think piece of mind will be priceless. At least, I hope so.
In other news, I want to say that I don't like smart asses. I don't like them in the sense that they're using an anonymous feature on facebook to in a roundabout way tell me, well, hell, let me just quote it:
"First, I'm a big fan of the blog. Post more often. Second, I'm curious about the band. Add more to the website. Third, when do we get to see a REAL picture of your boyfriend?"
Like I said, kind of smart ass. Not trying to be mean and maybe I shouldn't fuss because it's an anonymous feature. But I wasn't expecting the kind of stuff I've gotten from people. I mean, the most I was expecting was one of two things: You're cool or sometimes you can annoy the hell out of me. Which are true and honest without being embarrassing. But I guess it's a sign of the culture when people think it's okay to be rude and condescending just because it's the internet. Whether or not I know who you are doesn't matter. It's the thought of, "Well, I'm not saying it to her face so let me be frank." Let Frank be frank. Be yourself. If you wouldn't say it to my face, then don't say it to me on the internet. Specifically, I'm ignoring the first two comments cause they're just kinda almost bossy. I have a life and a job. I don't live here. I try to only write when I have something to say. Uploading stuff to the band website will take forever on dial-up, so I tried to do the text parts first. Loading samples (or whole songs, I haven't decided which) will take forever no matter how small the file is. I know I left the most interesting parts of the website off, I had to go to bed to get up for work. Bear with me, it's coming. But no matter how sorta bossy it was, it was a compliment of sorts that I haven't had since getting feedback from my DM days. So, I guess I should thank you for that. I know you're reading this at some time, you said so.
It's the third thing that rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it's because I haven't been home from work very long, I don't know. I took the "REAL picture" comment in two different ways. One, that you think I'm making the whole thing up to begin with. I guess that one's coming from my paranoid brain, I'm not really sure. Or two, and this one makes me madder, you think that someone like me couldn't possibly date someone like him. That's what I'm thinking based on this message.
Now with the whole facebook honesty box thing, I'm guessing that you're only able to write in your friends' boxes. That's all that's come up for me. You have to be my friend to get all the access you have to my profile. I try to keep it semi-private. The pink gave away that you're a girl. Now what gets me is that we're friends (doesn't matter how close) and you couldn't send me a message or anything to ask that third question. I don't mind that you're thinking that. I really don't. So I promise I won't get mad if you get in touch with me about it.
If I'm wrong about this, and I hope I am, then tell me. But, by George, don't tell me anonymously. That's the coward's way out.
Jul. 8th, 2008
02:51 am
I'm not making fun of anyone or anything, I promise.
But sometimes I wish I had multiple personalities so when things got really bad with one I could run to another. I just stay so stressed out all the time, especially with my mom. And I know like that sounds like I'm blaming her, I'm not. She's dying (there, I said it out loud). Our other "family" is nonexistent, if you want the truth. Even my sister doesn't come around until she wants something. So it's just me and daddy trying to take care of her, often at the expense of ourselves.
I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of being yelled at and threatened with eviction because someone's having a bad day. Hell, I think I'm just tired of my life sometimes. I want a different one but there will be so much guilt in trying to go find another one. So I try and try to make this one work and I'm sad to say it doesn't.
Jun. 26th, 2008
04:42 pm
What happened this past week:
At church, I tried to give up my class because I just don't think I'm cutting it as a teacher (especially for teenagers who don't want to listen). And as I've posted before, I don't think I'm cutting it because I feel like I can't be myself for about a thousand reasons, but mainly because I have to say things I don't necessarily believe. They wouldn't take my teacher's book back. So I remain in the same situation.
At work, I think things are just about staying the same. Not great, but not the worst job ever. I could, as many others do around here, work in a factory and not have job security at all.
I kinda sorta maybe have a boyfriend. We met through a friend of a friend of a friend (or vaguely something like that). We're taking it slow (probably because I'm terrified).
How one thing can make your whole life change.....
Jun. 16th, 2008
11:19 pm
I think that I need to be a better friend if I want to keep my friends. I feel like I've lost so many and I know that it's all my fault, because I get in my funky moods and I kinda drop off the radar screen. That never meant that I don't care because you wouldn't believe the times that I start thinking about you guys and how much fun we had at school and how I don't talk to some of you and the fact that I really wish I did.
I wish I didn't take it out on my friends when I get in my weird moods. There's no telling what some of you think of me, but please just know I care.
Jun. 12th, 2008
03:18 am
After VBS tonight I decided I'd take a walk down good ol' memory lane and read my now archived DM writings.
Maybe shouldn't have done that. Too many memories.
Jun. 11th, 2008
12:03 am
I seem to have a lot on my mind lately and I don't know why. It's just kind of there. Anyway....
While I was driving to work tonight, I thought about VBS and that made me think about what I really love about my new church. There's no Christian Right paranoia. I got sick and tired of hearing how the world was out to get us and "poor, poor us" and "we don't understand because we haven't done anything." All the yada-yada bullshit. I like the fact that I can serve God the best way I know how and not be serving the GOP.
Most Christians I know are good at heart and aren't the Bible-beating, hate pushers you see on the news. I think that behind all the postering, most evangelicals have a genuine heart for everyone to be saved. But their version of saved is conformity to their way of thinking, which is not necessarily the Bible's way of thinking. But who really knows what the Bible honestly is trying to say to us? (whoa, off-topic here) I know some Christians who are Bible-beating but not hate pushing and I know some who are hate pushing but not Bible-beating. I wonder if hate pushers like Fred Phelps and the rest ever really read their Bibles. Because I don't see a lot of Christians hating. I see dedicated (alright, zealous) believers. I see Jewish priests killing James, the head of the Jerusalem "church." I see them trying to kill Paul, Peter, and the other disciples. I do see persecution then for the majority of the "church."
But I can see why there are people who mistrust and even, yes, hate Christians. Sometimes I've personally gotten the raw deal when I first meet someone and they've either heard or seen about my faith. I don't like it and I don't blame them but I try to assure them that there is such a thing as a decent Christian.
But I don't know a single Christian who can sit by and not do something (even a small thing such as simply pray) about those they consider lost. That isn't part of the deal, no matter what your style of evangelism. Can I love you as you are and still try to woo you over? Sure and I pray that I'm successful somewhat.
My greatest desire is to love God because He first loved me. (1 John 4:19, NKJV)
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exhaustedJun. 9th, 2008
12:12 am - Never in a million years....
As I browse Amazon for Old Testament commentaries, I am struck by the thought that commentaries are the absolute last thing I ever thought I would buy for myself. Never would I think that I would be a Sunday School teacher, a Vacation Bible School teacher, or anything related, much less someone who would be called upon to write Bible study material.
When I was little and in church, I wanted to be a teacher. When I became a teacher, I thought that I would want to write the material myself because "I could do a much better job than these people." Now that opportunity has presented itself and, interestingly, I'm frightened. I have become the person I wanted to be as a child and now it seems like I can't handle it.
Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I complain once I've gotten where I want to be? Am I afraid of failure to the point that I don't even want to try?
I don't want to be stuck in some useless, boring life but that's all I seem to have (for the most part -- there are good things). I am not good at taking risks in my head, yet, in my heart, I know I have to in order to get anywhere. I have not been the same since I was rejected from grad school. I let that one setback get me down for two years. I don't know everything about what I want to do with my life, but publishing seems to be coming into focus. I want to be a writer more than anything else.
I have reevaluated my life and grad school isn't what I want anymore, so I'm not exactly crying over spilt milk. I know it would be too hard now to try to reapply. Besides, I can't afford to waste any more money. My academic record has not changed and kids didn't become stupider in two years. I really wanted to go to grad school so I could get a degree and be called "doctor" where people would have to respect me because they never did when I was growing up.
I know better now.
In two years, I've learned that I have to love myself before people will really love me. I have to respect myself before people will respect me. In two years, I've learned that I love God and want to serve Him. I've learned that I love kids and I am learning to relate to teenagers (who are kids to me -- I'm so old!). I've learned to be okay with me in all my (un)glory.
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contemplativeJun. 5th, 2008
12:25 am
"Yesterday's dreams are tomorrow's sighs." The story of my life.
I've got a small dilemma. How do I stay true to myself and still reconcile with my deep, desperate desire to fit in someplace that isn't a college atmosphere?
The reason I ask is because (besides the fact that I'm a Sunday School teacher -- I know, it freaks me out, too) I've been asked to start writing Bible studies for us to use on Wednesday nights or even possibly Sunday School material in the near future. Which is all fine and dandy, or it is until my insecurities take over completely. But there are so many things I know that aren't, shall we say, proper for use in a church setting.
So, I can't obviously lie and say something I don't believe (though no one will know but me and God). Or do I stay true to myself and say what I believe and lose my class (something I really don't want to happen) and be ostracized in the process?
Hmm....
Jun. 4th, 2008
01:46 am
I think the internet and I have finally met up again. I can't believe I made it as long as I did without internet access 24/7. I mean, I did it before I went to college. (Yet, I strangely can't remember pre-college -- at least, not fondly.)
I'm beginning to think that I really want out of Mississippi. But with the economy the way it is, the other 49 probably aren't much better.
I'd have to have another car first because mine isn't in the greatest shape right now. I tried to get one, but all the dealers gave me the same yada-yada 'gotta have credit to get credit and gotta have money to get money' bullshit. I mean, what kind of crap is that? If I already had it, I wouldn't need it, now would I?
Blah-blah.
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cynicalFeb. 21st, 2008
01:46 pm
Me and the internet never seem to meet at the same time. I hate using a public library, too. Don't ask, I know that's what they're there for, but still...the thought of an old lady just over your shoulder is scary.
Needless to say, I still love all of you and need you too. My number's on facebook, if you ever want to call, go ahead. I promise I'll call as soon as I can if I don't pick right up.
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